3 AM.
Again.
Slouched below a railway arch,
bottle in hand,
desperate to extinguish the inferno inside,
as caustic rage
bubbles and spits like molten lava.
My splintered heart
is a furious volcano,
suppressed for years
and ready to erupt…
A coal train thunders past,
inches from my outstretched feet,
it’s deafening metallic roar
echoing off dank, crumbling brickwork.
Claustrophobic shadows
succumb to a jaundice moon,
it’s sickened yellow glow,
crawling over train tracks
and an ocean of broken glass.
My fragile mind is hypnotised
by the screams of a thousand ghosts…
Let me drown them in whisky,
until all I can hear
is silence.
So this is “life”?
There has to be more…
I fought,
I bled,
I survived,
For this?
Dreams of a Dying Scientist 
Vivid and power description.
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Thank you so much!
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There’s a lot in here!
I agree, very vivid. Intriguing and sad.
So I’m wondering if it is fiction?
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Hi. Yes it’s fiction!
Thank you for asking – I did wonder before I posted it whether it made me sound like a total wreck! The truth is I’m very content with my life, have a gorgeous family, and I haven’t even drunk alcohol for years! I agree this poem is pretty bleak, and it would certainly be ‘hell’ if you were mentally in THAT place.
Your comment really got me thinking about the process I use to write… I think I might do a post asking people how they approach the creative process – it would be a fascinating conversation with other writers…
Thanks again for reading my attempts at poetry, and taking the time to comment!
All the best!
🙂
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No, not at all, I mean it didn’t make you sound like a wreck. The way I read it was that it was maybe coming from the view of a veteran, and I sympathise so much with these poor soldiers who come back from hell only to be forgotten…anyway, I always read the tags and categories to see if something is labelled as fiction, so that is why I asked. And also because I would offer a sympathetic ear if it wasn’t.
I’m so happy that you are content with your life! And I am curious why you don’t drink? I only ask because I have alcoholism in my family so I understand if that has been your struggle.
I think the poem is excellent!
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Hi!
Thank you for your kind words – that’s fascinating that you took it to be about a veteran and re-reading it, I can see what you mean. No, to be honest, I think it came from a place of “what could be” if my life REALLY fell to pieces. And also how I imagine that all sorts of people feel, who do end up under railway arches, with nowhere else left to go.
I completely agree with you about the travesty of how veterans fight for their country, and then are often just abandoned and left to “cope” in the real world. How any human being is supposedly equipped to psychologically glide from a warzone back into Civilian Street, without any real help from the government they put their lives on the line for, is beyond my comprehension.
A familiar lament in much of my writing is, “what on earth is life all about, and what are we supposed to be doing with it?” And that’s one of the reasons I don’t drink – I WANT to face my problems head-on, to at least try and solve them! I think that drink is a huge distraction technique that doesn’t really solve anything, it just postpones the problem until you are sober again… which is why I assume some people cant cope with being sober…
I don’t have alcoholism in my family so I can’t speak with any real knowledge of it, but I do know from personal experience that about 12 years ago I recognised I might have the beginnings of an alcohol problem… every day after work, I would “relax” with a beer, (or 3). And on the weekend I would celebrate my freedom from work, by having a beer, (or 5). Then in the morning I’d have several cups of strong coffee to shake off my alcohol induced lethargy.
When I realised that the thought of going a day or two without ANY alcohol seemed daunting, (because it was my main “relaxation technique”) I realised I was standing at the top of a very slippery slope – I could clearly see the path ahead if I carried on and it didn’t look very inviting. So I quit there and then, and haven’t drunk since… and my biggest motivation was truly being there for my daughter, for my family, and also, for myself. I wanted the courage to look at those problems (that we all have) rather than hide from them. I personally see alcohol as self medication, whereas the more effective medicine, I believe, is squaring up to problems. When you actually look at them, they’re often not so bad as you imagined them. The imagination is very powerful and blows most things out of proportion. I wanted back control and to be at least trying to do something about my ‘problems’… and nowadays writing is one of my outlets… my medicine!
What do I want to cure? The pain and suffering of myself and other people in this world. I think the human condition is an incredibly hard journey, and I hope one day we live in a world where we all actually help each other through it…
That was a long answer!
All the best!
🙂
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Long answers are great! And it’s a big topic.
I like that you wrote this because empathy is so important and awfully lacking in the world.
I am so happy for you and your family that you were so self aware!
Because of what I had seen and experienced in my family with it, it also affected the decisions I made. But it’s so complex, isn’t it? The reasons why I can stop, even when I wanted to pretty much drink myself into oblivion, but relatives couldn’t. And I have talked to them a lot, once they came out of their denial, and it has been so enlightening.
Years ago I talked to my naturopath about it, he said there are many complex reasons why it becomes pathological, sometimes it could be the person is allergic to the sugar or the grain the beer is made from and we tend to crave the things we are allergic to, just as one example. (That’s a fascinating topic in itself!)
In my family, it started with extreme shyness and wanting just a little courage to get through some things, and then, as you found out, it easily becomes a crutch or comfort. But once again, why I can stop and someone who has my genes, can’t, is such a complex thing.
I also think that in western culture, we are so bad at community. And we are designed for community. This ideal of self sufficiency that we pretty much worship, has done great damage I believe.
I’m a practising Christian, and I also believe life is too short to be in denial and miss out on making wonderful connections with people just because we might have too much pride to admit that we actually need others to help carry our loads! haha humans. And also, how much beauty there is in helping others carry theirs. We’re all broken, it levels the playing field. And I love my little church family. It’s uncool and full of people who know they are broken. Which is why we are there. WP is such a lovely surprise of a diverse and supportive community! I love it!
I really admire your attitude to face your problems head on! Really. I think we all can find ways to self medicate, some ways are just more obviously harmful. Seriously, mine is a chocolate and tea addiction!! But your words have made me ponder some things I needed to ponder, thank you!
And all the best to you too! 🙂
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Hi! Thanks for your reply – I think you and I could have a good chat together!
I’m so sorry to hear about your families difficulties with alcohol, and I wish you all the best with that.
I certainly can’t talk from a place of any real knowledge about alcoholism. I can only say from my own personal experience, that alcohol only ever gave me “Dutch courage” – a quick fix that gave me the illusion of courage/stress relief etc but was actually quietly robbing me of it… I wasn’t learning how to have genuine courage or genuine peace of mind – I was relying on alcohol as a short-cut way of feeling I had those things, but it was just an illusion… when I could see it was an illusion, (that would never be satisfied, no matter how much I drank) the spell was broken… I no longer desired alcohol because I could clearly see it was just an empty promise! And the key to quitting it, for me, was that the DESIRE had disappeared… I didn’t want to live my life “needing it”. I wanted to strike out on my own, knowing that although it might be arduous, standing on my own two feet would be much more effective in the long run to get me what I really desired in life: genuine and lasting inner peace and contentment…
I also think the wording I use to myself is important… i’m not “an ex-drinker”. In other words I don’t define myself by whether I drink alcohol or not! I didn’t give up anything “valuable”, rather I stopped doing something that I could clearly see was harmful to me… I also don’t “miss it” because I really don’t desire it at all! Especially when I see the effect it has on other people, when I’m stone cold sober. There is alot of social pressure to drink – and in the early days people thought I was weird for not drinking…But now they don’t bother me about it. If anything, they tend to be amazed I can live without alcohol in my life (which speaks volumes about THEIR relationship with booze)
I totally agree with you – we are ALL broken. And isn’t that wonderfully liberating! We are all in the same boat! When I realised that for myself, I also realised that those “confident” people are probably just better at hiding it than me – shy people (like me) are more honest in that sense, because they can’t hide it (or won’t) which is probably why “confident” people have a tendency to put down shy people, because deep down I think they know that they themselves are not confident AT ALL… I think many confident people are actually scared of being found out that it’s all just an act…
I think to be genuinely confident, you have to strive to be happy with yourself and that can take a huge amount of effort, time, energy and introspection – and an acceptance that none of us are perfect, although we might wish we were…
I dont believe anyone can ever have a “perfect life”, and having the humility and courage to admit NO ONE is perfect, takes the pressure off ourselves to be how we/society thinks we “should be” and look inwards instead to what makes US tick. I firmly believe the source, and solution, to my problems are within, in my choice of attitude and behaviour and beliefs about the world… That is the coalface, and so it’s where I need to be working…
Learning “who I am”, is i’m sure, a lifetime’s work, but I have hope that at least most days, I’m at least trying to take on that challenge, and somedays even taking a step forwards! (rather than seeing a daunting huge mountain ahead and giving up trying)
Anyway! Chocolate! My confession is an addiction to crisps and chocolate! Sugar plays havoc with me – I can’t have just one biscuit! But actually for the past six weeks ive managed to not have any crisps or chocolate at all and I feel so much better for it. Free! – no longer a slave to sugar cravings! (if only we could eat and drink whatever we liked without consequences!)
Another long reply – but it’s really helping to put some of my thoughts down on paper – clarify a few things and reaffirm what I’m trying to achieve in life! I also think that’s what wordpress gives me – an outlet for those thoughts we dont normally all sit and talk about. (Plus the excuse to write a load of nonsense about a backpacking guinea pig!)
Thanks for the chat!
All the best
🙂
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Yes, I am sure we could have a wonderful chat!
Thank you for your well wishes with my family. It is an ongoing struggle and grief.
And yes, I agree, there is no such thing as a perfect life. Contentment really is the key, I believe, being grateful and seeing the good in even small things, can make such a huge difference to head space.
Ugh, I have issues with sugar too!! I went off it completely a couple of times over the last 20 years, and I was a different person. I am in a place now where it has definitely been my crutch and I am finding it really hard to reduce my intake. So your words are inspiring to me, thank you!
I agree about WP. I so needed the outlet. A good friend just recently commented that she thinks it has changed me, that I seem happier.
And yes, I was going to say “dutch courage”, that is a cultural thing in Australia, absolutely. I remember when I met my husband, who is American, I was so impressed with the way he and his friends conversed so easily without needing alcohol to get into the deeper issues as well.
It is a good thing to see here that people who don’t drink don’t get given the hard time they used to. Plus, there are ads over here as well, to encourage people to take back their Sunday mornings so that has been great to see.
Thank you for the chat too. Keep on writing, I miss Muffin 🙂
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Hi!
Thanks for your reply and good luck with your fight against sugar! I can tell you from experience that once you’ve managed to wean yourself off it, you don’t miss it. Your taste buds do adapt! – I’m rather proud of myself for beating the cravings, I’ve just got to be careful not to “have just one little chocolate” because I know it won’t be just one!
Really enjoyed our little conversation! I won’t start this reply with even more thoughts/questions or will we be here all week! But I have a feeling it won’t be our last chat…
I already miss writing muffins blog – but it was just such hard work to commit to writing a new story each and every week… they are not that easy to write, (at least to make them funny!) I have to really edit and cut quite a lot until it works. Who knows though, he may have a one off appearance in the future…!
Anyway, all the best!
🙂
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thank you! It is definitely a fight!
I enjoyed our chat too, thank you. I look forward to more when the time comes 🙂
yes, good writing does take time and love. I will be looking out for surprise appearances lol.
Take care.
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My splintered heart
is a furious volcano,
suppressed for years
and ready to erupt… My favorite line of your post.
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Hi
Thanks for reading my poem and for your kind comment!
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This is an amazing descriptive artwork of life, so relatable in depth, an endlessness, well written! ❤
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Thank you for your lovely comment – you’re making me blush!
🙂
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You’re welcome, I enjoy my visits
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🙂
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Really good and effective as I can see from the comments. I wonder how I missed your posts? Anyway catching up with this amazing one … maybe muffin was a starter that was to lead to all this opening up, deep mysteriously interesting world!
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Thank you for your lovely comment! Yes this one is certainly different to my Muffin posts!
Also, I’m really glad you found this one deep and interesting – that’s what I’m aiming for in my writing, so that comment is much appreciated!
All the best
🙂
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I find people, dramatic change, cultures, and anything natural … Really interesting! 👍
Yet I am writing a piece of fiction😄 Feedback is such an important part of our growth. I’ll need yours since you do both kinds of writing so well.
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Many thanks for your reply – I totally agree, feedback really helps you know if you’re on the right track with your writing – I enjoy reading your blog very much and will defintely help with comments where I can!
🙂
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