Welcome back to the ‘Guinea Pig Times’ (GPT) Sunday supplement! Every week we will be following the adventures of a brave little guinea pig, called Muffin McPiggle, on his travels around the world!

GPT: Hello Muffin! And what have you been up to?

Muffin: Well this week, I’ve been on the piste!

GPT: You got drunk?

Muffin: No, I’ve been skiing you fool! I am actually in the Austrian Alps!

GPT: Did you enjoy skiing?

Muffin: No, to be honest, I hated it. It’s so cold! You try walking through deep snow when your belly is only 2 inches above the ground. I wore 3 balaclavas and bought some UGG boots to try and keep my little feet warm, but I was still freezing. Then I discovered the resort didn’t have any skis that fitted me, so I had to make my own, using 4 lolly sticks glued to the soles of my UGG’s.

GPT: Oh dear!

Muffin: THEN there was the ski lift… I told the operator that I was scared of heights and only had little legs, but he told me not to worry and lifted me up onto a ski chair.
“Just jump off when you get to the top!” he shouted after me, as the ski lift whisked me up the mountainside… I was petrified! When I got to the summit, it looked such a long way to jump off that I just stayed on the ski lift… I spent the next five hours going up and down the mountainside, too scared to get off.

It was getting dark and I was shivering with the cold, when on my 19th circuit I saw this beautiful lady guinea pig waving at me from the ground and encouraging me to jump – so I went for it and courageously leapt off… straight into her beautiful paws! We both tumbled to the ground and rolled several metres downhill in the snow and she started laughing the most melodic and gorgeous laugh I’ve ever heard in my whole life! I got up and helped her to her feet… she looked utterly beautiful! Once I’d brushed all the snow off my fur, and out of my ears, I said:
“Hi, I’m Muffin!”
“I’m Gertie”, she replied, blushing a little.
“Thank you for saving my life”
She blushed even more. “You’re welcome”.

GPT: How exciting! It’s like a scene from a Hollywood film!

Muffin: I know! All of this happened on Valentine’s Day so it felt like fate was on my side… I nervously asked her out to dinner… and she said yes! That evening, I dressed up in my best Tuxedo, and she wore this stunning red dress and high heels and we had the most wonderful candlelit dinner for two. I had no idea what food to order, so I asked Gertie to choose for us. She ordered “sauerkraut”, which was basically a pile of smelly, soggy, pickled cabbage. Apparently the local guinea pigs can’t get enough of it, which is probably why they all have such bad breath. (Not my Gertie though!)

At the end of the meal, the waiter bought us both a little shot of Schnapps, which made me feel really light headed! But it helped me pluck up the courage to give Gertie my Valentine’s Day card…

Dear Gertie, you make me feel flirty!
Will you be my valentine?
ps. here is a lovely poem for you.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Cucumbers are green
And carrots are orange (depending on the variety)

GPT: Ohh, that’s making me feel really emotional…

Muffin: Yes, she loved it too! Anyway, when the bill came, I got out my iPhone to work out who owed what and I was very impressed with Gertie because when I pointed out that she’d had a pudding and I hadn’t, she paid the extra without any complaining (unlike previous dates!). That’s a big tick in my book. Anyway, after dinner she asked me if I would like to go for a walk…

It was extremely cold outside, so I put on all 3 of my balaclavas – but it was worth it – we had the most beautiful view of the snowy mountains in the moonlight. Maybe it was the schnapps talking, but I nervously asked Gertie for a kiss…
“Ok,” she shyly replied, “as long as you take off your balaclavas”
And I gave her a little peck on the cheek!

GPT: It sounds like it’s getting serious Muffin!

Muffin: I must admit… I’m totally smitten! She could well be the future Mrs McPiggle! Watch this space because tomorrow I’m meeting her Mum and Dad! I will tell you how I get on, next week… Byeee!

Missed a previous episode?
Squeak #1: The adventure begins
Squeak #2: Q & A with my fans
Squeak #3: London
Squeak #4: Paris
Squeak #5: South of France