Welcome back to the ‘Guinea Pig Times’ (GPT) Sunday supplement! Every week we will be following the adventures of a brave little guinea pig, called Muffin McPiggle, on his travels around the world!

GPT: Hello Muffin! And where are you this week?

Muffin: I’m in Cannes, which is in the South of France! And I must tell you what happened yesterday… I went to a premier at the Cannes Film Festival! There I was, strolling along the red carpet and the paparazzi went crazy for me! I must admit I did pose a bit for the camera – I tried putting one paw suggestively on my hip and pouting… Leaning on a lamp post and looking pensive… Disco dancing… But the crowd got really excited when I started rubbing my belly and patting my head at the same time.

GPT: That sounds amazing!

Muffin: It was great fun! Anyway, the film was due to start so I bought some popcorn and found my seat. Unfortunately I got stuck sitting next to this very strange man, who just kept crying throughout the whole film. He introduced himself as Brad, and I offered to shake paws, but he just started bawling again. To be honest, it was a rubbish movie… a depressing black-and-white film about a retired postman who had lost his favourite hat. At the end, the announcer said it had won a “palm door”, which sounded like a very strange prize.

GPT: What else did you get up to?

Muffin: Well after the film, Brad invited me onto his luxury yacht in Monte Carlo! I literally jumped at the chance! (all four of my little feet left the ground). The yacht was amazing, but as soon as we got on board, Brad started crying again and went to his cabin for a lie down. So I went onto the top deck, popped on my D & GP sunglasses and relaxed on a sun lounger. It was such a hot day that I made myself a little sunhat from a handkerchief! Then Brad’s personal chef brought me some crudités, (which is apparently French for ‘carrots cut into sticks, for posh people’). I couldn’t help myself – I climbed onto the plate and scoffed the lot!

GPT: Now in honour of your trip to the Cannes Film Festival we have a competition for our readers! The rules are very simple – you have to name a movie, then describe it in six words or less… So Muffin, we have asked some of your family to get us started!

Muffin: Oh dear…

GPT: Your mum, Susan, suggested…
Rocky: Boxer wins fight and yells “Adrian”
Jaws: Shark eats people. People get upset.
Jurassic Park: Scientists hatch dinosaurs… and regret it.

Muffin: Awful.

GPT: Your dad, Barry, said…
Psycho: Man annoyed when guest uses shower.
The Martian: Astronaut grows potatoes with unusual aftertaste.
Rambo: Sylvester Stallone masterclass in “terrible acting”.

Muffin: How embarrassing!

GPT: And your Uncle Bernie came up with the most unusual ideas…
Gone with the Wind: Documentary about risks of eating lentils.
Avatar: Million years of Evolution, on Smurfs.
Gorillas in the Mist: Big monkeys, on a foggy day.

Muffin: Oh dear – NEVER ask Uncle Bernie for his opinion!

GPT: Anyway, dear reader, if you wish to get involved in our competition, post your entry below – there are no prizes, just the satisfaction of making a guinea pig giggle!


Missed a previous episode?
Squeak #1: The adventure begins
Squeak #2: Q & A with my fans
Squeak #3: London
Squeak #4: Paris

Footnote: The Guinea Pig Times would like to thank 2 brilliant humans for the concept behind this weeks competition… Please do check out the fabulous Ally and Ward Clever.