Welcome back to the ‘Guinea Pig Times’ (GPT) Sunday supplement! Every week we will be following the adventures of a plucky little guinea pig, called Muffin McPiggle, on his travels around the world!
GPT: Hello again Muffin! And where are you are now?
Muffin: Hello everyone! Well, I’m currently drinking a cappuccino, in a lovely cafe, overlooking the Eiffel Tower!
GPT: The Eiffel Tower!
Muffin: Yes. Its in Paris. Which for your dim readers, is the capital of France.
GPT: Now last week you were in London – so tell us, how did you get to Paris?
Muffin: The short answer is – I hitchhiked! Yes, I’m a millionaire, but on the other hand, I’m a total Scrooge. I mean, why spend money when you can stand on the side of a motorway, with a little sign saying ‘France’?
GPT: Did it take you long to hitch a ride?
Muffin: Not really. About 9 hours. But eventually this lorry pulled over. The driver’s name was Eddie Stobart, and we got on like a house on fire! Not literally, that would be quite distressing. Especially if you have a lot of loose straw lying about the place… Anyway, Eddie and I chatted for hours, all the way to Dover docks! We discussed all sorts of topics: the consequences of Brexit, North Korea’s missile program and then Eddie talked in-depth about his motorbike, which to be honest I found completely boring.
GPT: So you got the ferry to France?
Muffin: Yes! I’ve never been at sea before! After Eddie parked the lorry, we both went out on the deck. Eddie lit up this very fragrant-smelling cigarette, whilst I climbed up on the railings. It was so exciting, feeling the wind whistling through my fur as I waved a wistful ‘goodbye’ claw towards the white cliffs of Dover. I was very emotional and looked over at Eddie, but he was busy, sniffing his armpit.
GPT: Did you get seasick at all?
Muffin: No! Which is lucky, because as you know, guinea pigs can’t vomit!
GPT: Can’t we?
Muffin: No! I thought everyone knew that guinea pigs have a reduced muscularity of their diaphragm, as well as a stomach that is not biologically structured for expelling contents via the throat.
GPT: Did you just Google that?
Muffin: Maybe… Anyway, Eddie was heading off to Amsterdam, so we said our goodbyes when the ferry docked at Calais. It was sad to see him go, but we’ve become pen pals, so that’s nice. Afterwards, I caught a train straight to Paris.
GPT: What were you most excited to do in Paris?
Muffin: I couldn’t wait to visit Notre Dame Cathedral! I’ve always been fascinated by hunchbacks and I’m a huge fan of Quasimodo. I’ve seen ALL of his films, particularly the Disney ones, but sadly he must’ve popped out for a croissant. So that was a waste of time, but I did buy a lovely blue beret from the gift shop so I could blend in with the locals.
GPT: Did you visit any other tourist sites?
Muffin: Yes, I did stumble across a Modern Art Gallery. I love art, and you will often find me in my hutch with a colouring book and a set of felt tip pens, but this place was just weird. I mean, one artist had pickled a whole kangaroo in formaldehyde! My brain started hurting so I went to find the toilets, but as I was using a urinal, this security guard started shouting at me… it was only one of the exhibits!
GPT: Well that’s our time for this week Muffin, is there anything you’d like to say to your readers?
Muffin: Yes, please come back next Sunday to read my adventures – you’d be in-Seine not to!