I don’t just write poetry… hope you like it!


Hi there. My name is Muffin. And yes, I’m a guinea pig.

Get over it already!

But I’m not just any ordinary guinea pig, oh no. I’m a millionaire! I’m so rich I don’t use litter, I line the bottom of my hutch with £50 notes!

A millionaire guinea pig? How did that happen I hear you ask (I have very sensitive hearing, which I would definitely need in the wild to listen out for, say, vultures).

Well my rags to riches story began last Sunday morning, when my owner put me in a cardboard box whilst they cleaned out my hutch (of a weeks worth of excrement and half chewed carrots). I always hate this time of the week where I get shoved in an old shoe box and have nothing to do but stare at their beige carpet, through air holes they have punched into the side of the box. I’m actually thinking of calling the RSPCA. They should definitely be informed that I’m regularly abused…

Anyway, whilst I was sitting there, bored and twiddling my claws, I noticed at the bottom of the box, a lottery scratchcard! It was untouched and the silver was still shining brightly, begging to be revealed! But how did it get here? Who had bought it? Did my owner even know it was in the box? What did I care! I was going to scratch it! And boy am I good at scratching! Using my middle claw (which is usually reserved for scratching my backside and disturbing the fleas that nest around my tummy), I began to frantically paw at the silver foil… but it was hard work! I really had to put some elbow grease into it, which is hard, because guinea pigs don’t have elbows.

I tried as hard as I could, but I just couldn’t scratch away the foil. I sat back in a corner of the box, depressed, deflated, defeated. What was I going to do? I had a chew on a bit of lettuce leaf while I thought about it. In the end, the answer was simple… just pee on it. My acidic urine soon burned off the silver foil, revealing my prize – a row of six gold coins! I had won! I was a millionaire! All I had to do now was to ring Lottery HQ and claim my prize!

So why am I writing this blog? Well, ever since I’ve won all that money, I’ve been wondering what to do with it. But then, last night, I had a fantastic dream! It started out as most of my dreams do, with me eating. I was tucking into a cucumber the size of a baseball bat, taking care to avoid the disgusting seeds in the middle – yuck! I hate those! I spit them out into a far distant corner of my hutch (which has now gone a little mouldy and really could do with a good clean)

Anyway, as I was munching my giant cucumber, I had a sudden vision of my homeland, Peru. I could picture the Andes mountains, with guinea pigs running wild and free and playing the panpipes. And suddenly I had a huge longing to see the land of my forefathers. (No, I don’t mean I have 4 fathers! That would be very confusing! And biologically impossible. Forefathers in this context means ancestors. Please keep up!)

Back to my dream: I had stopped eating, and was scratching my head with my middle claw (it is definitely my most versatile claw), when I suddenly had a eureka moment…but I wasn’t sitting in a bath! (That’s a joke for my more intellectual readers). A burst of inspiration flooded my mind – I would spend all my money travelling to Peru! I would reunite with my kin, hike across the Andes, and visit Machu Picchu. Ohh, and I’ve always wanted to ride on a llama! Yes, thats definitely on my bucket list!

What a fantastic adventure! Will you join me?